DESPAIR

Friends? Family?

I’m the kind of person that feels “deprived” of friends easily.

I may not say it, you may not see it, but not seeing them for a few days makes me feel lonely. It may sound a little exaggerating, but they are my family. They are the ones that I share my joy and sorrow with, they are the ones that understand me, they are the ones that genuinely cares about me. These are the things I don’t and never will get from home.

Friends > Family to me. You might see it as that I am unfilial but whatever, you won’t know what I’ve been feeling in this house since I was born.

Yes I get really jealous and envious when I see my friends posting pictures of them with their parents, their siblings, and describing how close they are. I will never be able to experience that, not in this life. Sometimes, tears just fall out automatically when looking at how blessed they are.

Because this difference exist, some of our perspectives may differ. For example, sometimes I don’t get why some people are so “family orientated” and they always neglect their friends. But in actual fact, family is their number one love and that is what is most important to them.  For me, I am the more “friends orientated” kind because of my family situation but others may see it as I’m a rebellious or unfilial kid that refuses to spend time with his family. Roughly get what I mean eh?

Things are not that bad after all, at least I have friends to fall back on. Thanks everyone who was once there for me. Lets get tougher together yea.

Sup friend, how are you doing? Is everything okay? It’s been a long time since we really talked. Hope you’re doing fine. At least you looked fine to me when I last saw you.

Road is long.

Growing up is scary. But its a phenomenon that everyone will and have to face ultimately. 

Try to imagine growing up as walking on an abandoned railway track.

When we are young, we could see the path, we could see what is in our way, the route to take was simple. 

I have to admit, life was pretty smooth sailing when I was young. Everything was good, everything was peaceful, life was simple and problems rarely existed.

Then, imagine moving on to the teenage phase as walking into the tunnel. We start to get consumed by the darkness. The directions to take were unclear.

Problems start to surface. Like what people say, the storm won’t last forever. Well, so do good days. Life no longer go as according to planned, we are required to be on our feet all the time. Yes, problems are faced, but things are not that simple. Within the problems, there are more problems. Never ending problems. Just when you think life gave you enough problems to handle, BAM, another one arise, BAM, BAM, BAM, many more were thrown at you. Then you will start to think, “Why me?” Have anyone felt this way?

We are not afraid of the dark, we are afraid of what’s in it. Because life is full of uncertainties, and we fear of what we don’t understand. In the dark, we take every single step with caution, not because we are afraid to fall, but because it’s hard to get back on our feet again. We see the light at the end of the tunnel, but how many of us have the strength to make it to the end of the tunnel alone?

Keep in mind, we are not in this shit alone. Many other individuals are also trying to make their way to the end of the tunnel. These individuals are what we called friends. Though we don’t see each other all the time, we can still provide one another with emotional/physical/spiritual support. Good friends are those that bother to stop and pick you up when you fall, and then walk together with you to the end of the tunnel.

Stay strong my friends, we will make it through to the other end of the tunnel one day, love ya’ll, don’t give up. <3

Nice?

Being nice is a good personal trait. But what’s the point if people don’t appreciate it or they simply take it for granted?

When you choose to be nice,

You’d rather hurt yourself than others.

You’d always be the one accommodating to everyone and end up neglecting yourself

You’d choose to be the one suffering because you know how bad it feels and you don’t want others to go through it.

What’s worse? People don’t see it. People don’t give a fuck. Keep in mind, even the nicest people have their limits. One day, they’ll walk away  before you even know it.

However, I’m thankful that some of my friends are not like this.

How do I get people to see things the way I do?

How do I get people to think the way I do?

How do I get people to feel the way I do?

I don’t know how. So I just shut up.

I’m dyinggg to meet/hang out with all of my friends during the 2 weeks “break”. But I’ll be tied down with tons of projects and individual assignments. My apologies if I don’t get to meet everyone of your during the “break”. ):

I’m just, me.

Fucking emotions eating me inside out. It feels terrible. I just wanna curl up and cry.

Why do I keep adding misery to my own life? Life’s hitting me so hard. Everyone around me is constantly climbing up higher and higher each day. I cannot afford to stop climbing for a moment, I already had a bad start as compared to them. I’ll never be as good as them, it’s a fucking fact and it will always be this way. I’m not good enough, I NEVER will. I’m not being pessimistic, I’m just being realistic. I’m just, me.

I’m gradually losing myself in the midst of pursuing all these. I’m trying too hard to become someone that I can never become. I just wanna be me again, but its seemingly impossible.

I didn’t want to change, pain changed me. I’m sorry.

Goodbye, old me, you have served me well. I hope that I can find you back one day.

Decisions

One wrong step that I took, look at the mess I’m in now. I cannot afford to make another mistake. I cannot afford to make the same mistake again.

But when feelings get involved in making a decision, I start to lose control of the situation. Should I listen to my heart or should I listen to what I want to listen to? I really don’t wanna end up regretting like the past. It was a really detrimental fall and I had hard time getting myself back on my feet.

What should I do? Who should I listen to? Where can i get these answers?

I’ll pay a million to anyone who can make my mood more stable. I really hate it when my mood keeps swinging like nobody’s business.

Sometimes I’m in a good mood, I will be optimistic, I will look at the brighter side of everything, I will get so motivated to do well in everything, I will have the nothing-can-stop-me attitude.

Other times, I’ll be in a bad mood, it will be written all over my face. I will be pessimistic, I will be depressed, I feel inferior, I feel useless, I don’t see a point in doing well in anything, and I will have the nothing-will-work-out-well  attitude.

Why am I like this why why why. I hope I can be more mentally stable and manage things better as time progresses. ):

Shallow

Hate friendships that are superficial. It’s like I’m invisible to you all this while, then one fine day when you need a favour from me, I will be visible to you. I don’t like it when I don’t feel connected to people. I already put my effort into knowing you better but hello, it takes 2 freaking hands to clap. These people only open their mouths when it comes to something that concern them. The rest of the time, their mouths are just shut. I really have nothing to say.